I miss you, Ms. Lilliam

     I write, and words spontaneously flow from nothingness. It seems like this screen, which until a moment ago was dressed in white, has decided to open up affectionately so that I can pour out my soul now that I feel nostalgic. Moments that are longed for and people who are forever cherished in the heart visited me on this first day of May.

    I miss you, my dear china. (As we Nicaraguans usually call babysitters.) She's no longer with me today, but I shout these words, writing into infinity with the hope that she hears me like a whisper in the eternity. I feel her presence on days of doubt and cloudy mornings. Like those afternoons of my early school years, when I would come running, looking for her, and would seek refuge in her embrace. Those days when I cried because some boy had eaten another of my stickers, for example, or some teacher had scolded me for having bad spelling. Her loving arms, her apron smelling of midday food, and her black curls, were so comforting to me. Her sweet voice when she sang "Cabellito Rubio" and other Nicaraguan Christmas carols were balm for my soul. I enjoyed playing with her hair so much, wetting it, combing it, insisting on pulling out her gray hairs, one by one. And she, silent, letting me do as I pleased until I saw her fall asleep. My dear Ms. Lilliam. I never remember my family calling her just Lilliam, I suppose out of respect. She who was like a mother to me. I, who was like a daughter to her. Without being relatives, we loved each other with all our hearts.

    It's because of you, Ms. Lilliam, that I learned to listen attentively and silently to life's tales. I learned from you, not to argue with people, but to understand with respect. In your simple way, without the glimmer of medals or university degrees, each story you told me carried a lesson for life. Never anything disturbing, no criticism of anyone, no reproach to society. You would tell me a thousand and one stories after lunch that filled my mind with fantasy and ideas. You were my library of little fables, sayings, and legends in that country that gave little importance to children's literature.

    She would detail a story from each city for me. Over there in Rivas, the Cadejo appeared to me the day my grandmother died, she would tell me. In León, a lady heard a mysterious voice from the darkness at the back of her house and was so scared she couldn't walk to the front door because her feet swelled up like sheets of steel. A lady from Masaya told me that only by shouting curse words she could drive away the spirits from her house. Over there, in Chinandega, a dead man appears hanging from a tree on full moon nights. During Holy Week, maybe we'll see the "Wandering Jew", we have to be alert. Holy Fridays must be respected. Don't run, Jesus is on the ground. Let's make little palm crosses, just in case lightning strikes us. It's raining with sun, that means that a deer is giving birth, widows are getting married, the guilty are paying their debts. Let's hurry... come on, help me take down the laundry, because it's going to rain in a little while! What beautiful afternoons I had by your side, in the serenity of my home, in the restlessness of my mind!

    We spent together nights of tragedy, the pain of earthquakes, the terror of war, death bombs, shortages, hunger, diseases, frustration, uncertainty. However, it's the good moments by your side that enriched my life. The anecdotes, the sunny afternoons kneading that mixture of sugar, butter, and egg while we watched television, dreaming of the smell of cake and empanadas that would come afterward. Do you remember when we traveled to Guatemala by land and your suitcase flew off on the road? And how could we forget that night with the snake? And that other time when...? Details and complicity that only you and I know. Stories that only we understand.

    Without being your daughter, without you being my mother, I love you as such, even though you're no longer with me. Rest in the peace of infinity. Happy Mother's Day, my beautiful Ms. Lilliam!